This post is from the blog of one of the few people in life that genuinely care about me, or so i feel.. Just wanna holler out to you man... you're not alone..
I don't understand it. I've just given one of the best performances of my life, and I feel like crap.
I'm asking myself existentialist questions. Is there a point to being alive and not be loved, or even liked by those around you?
I'll tell you something. You know what a close friend is? Like a REALLY close friend? One who you can pour your heart out to at any time? Well, I've got one or two. But you know the other type of close friend who does everything with you? One who goes through pains to cheer you up when you're down? One whose presence feels like upliftment. One you plan month long excursions around the country with. I don't have anyone like that.
You know, a while back in my life a realized that I didn't have many friends. So I made a conscious decision to be more outgoing, accommodating and accepting. I decided that clubbing wasn't a bad thing, and grabbing a drink was sometimes desirable. Predictably, I made more friends. But I started to feel crappier.
And I'll tell you why. The people I regard as friends regard me as an acquaintance. Those that regard me as a friend regard me as a friend on the last rung, to be given last priority. It's like, I care for these people, I feel for them, I like being with them, but they don't give a rat's ass for me.
And they're good people, these. Mind you, I don't blame them for doing it. Cause, for them, I may actually only be incidental. They all already had their respective circles of good friends, and it's foolish of me to think that they'll let me in.
Something like that happened today. Lamba was hoisted onto shoulders by some people who I'd also call friends. Many of them didn't even come up to me to shake my hand and say 'well done!'. A few came up and gave me plastic smiles, shook my hand and quite formally congratulated me. One or two sent me text messages when I got home.
You know, I've been given a lot of talents. A decent amount of intelligence even. But god forgot to teach me the art of friendship. I can't socialize. I come across as a 'pompous ass' at first to almost everyone I meet.
There's no point living this life, is there? Maybe I should go back to being like I was as a kid. Engrossed in my own world. Of animals. Plants. Nature. Fossils. Evolution. The universe. Tabla. Singing. I somehow got into believing a few years ago that people and relationships are important. But they can't be, no? Cause if they are, then I'll never be happy in my entire life.
PS. Guess what song played at the end of today's Simpsons episode...
Pal bhar ke liye koi humme pyaar kar le
Jhoota hi sahi
Do din ke liye koi ikraar kar le
Jhoota hi sahi
Pal bhar ...