Saturday, January 31, 2009

Missing in action..

Im really clueless as to how many people actually bother to read this blog, inspite of my shameless self advertisement. This cluelessness is partly because nobody leaves any comments.. So i've devised an ingeneous ploy to seperate the wheat from the chaff and figure out who my true and loyal readers are..
All reading this please leave a comment.. any comment.. with your name.. and i shall reward thee in full with many more years of Rambling on.. as for those who dont.. a cruel and bitter fate awaits them.. What? you ask.. BOOOAAAAHAHAHAAAAHAHAAAA... just you wait..

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Live Forever..

A coupla days ago I was sitting in CCD.. gossiping about people from work with a colleague.. the customary Tropical Iceberg (no chocolate sauce.. no whipped cream) at my side..
I was beginning to feel rather nostalgic and it did seem like the ideal day for coincidences.. and the radio was playing "Dont look back in anger".. So i wasnt very surprised when in walked a gaggle of giggley DhikChik Girls. They were, no doubt for some very good reason which unfortunately illudes my trivial intelligence, wearing rather large sunglasses at seven in the evening, indoors no less..
Thinking it was probably Conjunctivitis, I though it prudent and polite not to stare.. Until that is, the familiar and oft heard sound of a high pitch cackle that always makes me say "I dont think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto", sent me spiralling down a nostalgic rabbit hole..
I though of the days long gone.. where many an hour was spent with coffee and conversation and cackles that would put them sunglasses weilding women to shame.. My thoughts dwelled on my now estranged partner in crime, with her soap opera existance and the resulting infinite wisdom.. I remembered maniacal car rides for bootleg liquor and crazier midnight bike rides with screams galore.. I remembered Virgina Slims and Wibbling Rivalry.. I remember laughter and tears and phonebills and fuming parents.. I remember fistfights at birthday parties (im soooo sorry) and obsessing about the twins.. Life was always an adventure with you around..
But tales of Cows and Uncle Monkeys do not last forever..
I hope you continue to wreck havoc on unsuspecting mortals wherever you go.. and i hope its always about the myooooosic..
Maybe you're the same as me.
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever..
All the best..

Monday, January 12, 2009

Gets me through..

"Why do you keep calling me?" I kept trying to figure out the answer to that one all day today... and as always the Gods of Rock'n'roll came to my aid... from an unlikely source though.. So in the words of the immortal Ironman..

I'm not the kind of person you think I am
I'm not the anti-christ or the iron man
I have a vision that I just can't control
I feel I've lost my spirit and sold my soul
Got no control
I try to entertain you the best I can
I wish I'd started walking before I ran
But I still love the feeling I get from you
I hope you'll never stop cause it gets me through yeah
It gets me through yeah

The feelings that I hide behind
Sometimes reality's unkind
The nightmares stalk for me at night
I dread the long and lonely nights

I'm just trying to live yeah

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Sad but true..

Amoris vulnus idem sanat, qui facit
The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


I dreamed of you last night..
of accidents accepted and cherished..
of burning questions,
that ceased to matter..
of memories and moments..
of all the nothings that remind us
of the love that cannot fade away..

I dreamed of you last night..
it was different this time..
every word was real..
every laugh a treasure..
as we embraced that which once was..
that which will always remain..
Leaving no room for regret..
well maybe a little..
The best laid plans of mice and men
often go awry..
atleast we had our goodbye..

Monday, January 5, 2009


I completely broke down last night.. It wasn't anything monumental that set me off.. Just a picture in a frame.. I'd kept it away, found it while rummaging through my cupboard for my "makes me look like a retard" monkey cap..
I was sifting through a rather full drawer and i cut my fingure on something sharp.. i pulled out the offending object to find the picture.. the frame had bits of glass stuck on it..
I just broke down..
It was wierd.. I cant cry easy, wish I could.. I get this knot inside me and i keep feeling like im gonna throw up... which is usually followed by a severely claustrophobic feeling, where my clothes, the room, everything seems to be strangling me..
This is also about the time when reason leaves me and I do "It seemed like a good idea at the time" things..
something different happened yesterday though.. after putting the "Good Ideas" into action, actually, during it, I broke into this almost violent bawling (yup, bawling seems appropriate) fit.. And i couldnt stop.. I mean waterworks galore...
And then somebody came to my rescue.. somebody who herself is rather fragile and scarred at the moment.. somebody who I've nursed through irrational fits of her own.. But she, with her infinite wisdom, did not get me to stop crying, which is what I always tried to do for her.. She instead just kept quiet and listened till I was done screaming and crying and complaining and then proceeded to tell me that all my worst fears are probably true..
"I don't think she's coming back"
"Yes you did bring it on yourself"
"Ofcourse you're being selfish by not giving her space"
"Duhh! Ofcourse it hurts.. It will probably be months, years before it stops.. if at all"
All of this while washing a shirt for work today and for a few gross minutes, brushing her teeth..
And wierdly enough it calmed me down.. Not the sort of calm that came with locking stuff inside and not thinking about it.. but the sort of calm that comes with accepting a bad situation, shrugging and carrying on, swearing a little ofcourse.. The sort of calm I had only felt once before, when my folks hugged me inspite of me having screwed up really really bad..
I slept better than I have in weeks..
I woke up today.. stretched a little.. let myself feel the cold morning air as I stepped into my backyard.. embracing everything I had and lost, everything that remains.. and with one grand gesture of throwing the pieces of the Cat's Eye as far as I could,

I let her go..

Sunday, January 4, 2009


The sun still climbs.
The day still starts.
The sky still runs through shades of blue.
The waves still break.
The tides still part.
The sands still take a vacant hue.

The rain still falls
from clouds of grey.
The water still is icy cold.
The birds still call.
Of times they say.
The world still seems to grow old.

The cuts still bleed.
The blood's still red.
The life still slowly drains away.
The pain's still fresh
from broken words
of a greater good, a better day.

Yes, she still smiles
the way she did.
Yes, she still gently braids her hair.
The world still feels
the same but I,
Its just that I no longer care..


When the tide climbs high,
and the pier disappears.
Muffles up the silent cries.
Washes away the stagnant fears.

Under the greying skies
shadows criss cross in haze.
Time starts bending momentarily,
in strange and unnatural ways.

Twilight is upon us;
coulurs fade away.
The disparities of the world
are engulfed by a uniform grey.

Darkness splatters and gurgles
like thikish black tar.
While sounds of guns and war cries
still come up from afar.

Waging a lost battle,
a solitary lamp does stand.
Flickering, fading, fighting on
in need of a covering hand.

The sun is set. The day is done.
The night is here to stay.
Into this starless, inky sky
we all will fade away..

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Another Day Another Frostbitten Finger...

The worst thing to do on a winter morning is get out of bed at 5:30 am and take a bath... not to mention drive 11 kms to a highly boring but highly necessary four hour class.. blind as a friggin bat with nothing in sight but the flashing hazard lights of the car in front of you..
Needless to say the little half hour vigil in sight of the express building gets more and more painful.. especially on an empty stomach.. and especially if it turns out to be fruitless yet again..
but then i have the joyous 10 km bicycle ride later in the day to look forward to... not to mention another equally boring but equally necessary class..
Ah the joys of winter in the city...

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Nobody Else Will..

If not for you,there would be
so little of this part of me.
If not for you, the skies above
would not be blue or even high enough.

I see the skies... I see your eyes...
I see the colors are passing by...
I'm staying here, with you, my dear.

If not for you, there would be
a bigger hole inside of me.
If not for you, the stars above
would not be new or try to carry love.
I see the skies... I see your eyes...
I see the colors are passing by...
I'm staying here, with you, my dear.

I'm telling you the honest truth.
I won't let you down again,
I just want to be a good man.
Won't let you down again,
I just want to be your best friend.

And I'll be there for you,
in darkest nights when love is lying still.
I'll be there for you, to hold you tight.
Be there for you when nobody else will.

Hazel eyes..

Standing on the corner
I used to watch her
and how she smiled with her hazel eyes.

But a child she was
so unaware
of the things she could do with her hazel eyes.

Such a joy she was
than elven child
made your day with one look from her hazel eyes.

Like limpid pools
they called to me
to look beyond her hazel eyes.

And tell her that
I, too, can feel
the pain she hides behind her hazel eyes.

I took her hand
and swore to fight
the fears that darken her hazel eyes.

So I can stand
and watch again
while she smiles just for me with her hazel eyes.

One day at a time..

Things are different.. It doesnt hurt quite so much.. Its easier to breathe.. to smile.. to go on with life.. to set goals.. to work towards them.. im not the desperate inconsolable wreck that i was.. but that doesnt mean i've given up.. doesnt mean i've stopped believing..
Life's a lot longer than what you and i may think.. and time changes us all.. for the better or worse.. our paths may have parted.. but they will cross again.. and again.. and again.. because some things are just meant to be.. and love waits for when the time's right..
I will hang on.. in that stubborn as hell way that i always do.. and you may hate me.. or just not care.. but you wont forget.. not the pain i caused.. nor the life we spent together.. nor the fact that I will always be there when you chose to turn around and look..
One phonecall a day.. and one day at a time.. I have all the time in the world.. I have a lifetime..