Monday, September 1, 2014

Overwhelmed

You asked me how depression felt,
and this is all I could come up with.

It feels like
I'm walking upstream
through a current strong enough
to pull me under four times over.

There are others with me
but they are walking along the banks
telling me to "just get out of the water."
But instead of extending a hand in help,
they just move on and leave me behind.

Every once in a while I find a rock
that is strong enough for me to lean on,
And I can rest for a bit.

But the rocks always get tired of holding me up,
and when they let go, I'm left drowning,
thrown 50 feet back again.

And nothing is harder
then standing up in that current
when everything in you
is telling you how much easier things would be
if you just let yourself get dragged under.

Source - The internet

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

In the midst of darkness, light persists...

I've been tardy with writing lately. I blame it on the fact that I'm almost perfectly happy. Anger, resentment, sorrow, heartbreak inspires me to write. It's cathartic.
But this time around something so wonderfully beautiful presented itself that I was moved to write (and very nearly to tears).
We live in an India, nay a world, that is fraught with sexism and subjugation and abuse. It's enough for me to feel the need to carry around a placard apologising on behalf of my sex. But every now and then a glimmer of absolute joy shines through from the most unexpected of places and is brighter still, because of the pitch black that surrounds it.
There's a young man who works in our office doing odd jobs, cleaning, making tea, gopher duties etc. He's educated to a degree, probably somewhere around middle school. He's smart and kind, and generally loved around the office. He is arguably my favorite person in my small startup of a company and we spend some time everyday just talking and shooting the breeze.
Born and raised in a village in Bihar he's had a very conservative upbringing his family still operates on an extremely patriarchal system.
This morning he came up to me and wanted help to look for recent school teacher opening's that the Department of Education has announced on their website.
I asked him about who the candidate was and he told me it was his wife. She has an MA and a two year diploma in education. She'd only finished high school when they got married. Her parents weren't too sold on the idea of educating girls beyond high school. But she wanted to study so he's spent the last 6 years borrowing money from the office using up his savings to help her though a BA, and MA and the diploma course in education. And to top it all he has regrets that he didn't have enough money to help her get a Bachelors degree in education so she had to settle for the diploma course instead. He also told me on the sly that he had to hide it from his family who live in the village as well and they think he makes a lot less money than he actually does because a considerable chunk goes into his wife's education.
He works from 9-6 goes home and helps with the kid and the cooking and cleaning so his wife would have time to study.
My friend, you're a better man than most men out there. I hereby dub thee The Knight. You have more than earned it.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Dil Akhir tu kyon rota hai?

जब जब दर्द का बादल छाया
जब गम का साया लहराया
जब आँसू पलकों तक आया
जब ये तनहा दिल घबराया
हम ने दिल को ये समझाया

दिल आखिर तू क्यों रोता है?
दुनिया में यूहीं होता है

ये जो गहरे सन्नाटे हैं
वक्त ने सबको ही बांटे हैं

थोड़ा गम है सबका किस्सा
थोड़ी धूप है सबका हिस्सा 

आँख तेरी बेकार ही नम है
हर पल एक नया मौसम है

क्यों तू ऐसे पल खोता है?
दिल आखिर तू क्यों रोता है?

Monday, December 23, 2013

A letter from Santa

Courtesy Bill Watterson

My hands were all shaky,
My face had gone pale.
A letter from Santa
Just arrived in the mail!

It was hand-written
In old-fashioned ink pen.
It was handsomely printed
And dated twelve ten.

“Dear Calvin,” it said,
“I’m writing because
This year I’ve repealed
My ‘Naughty/Nice’ laws.”

“So now, I urge you:
Be vulgar and crude!
I LIKE it when children
Are boorish and rude!”

“Burp at the table!
Gargle your peas!
Never say ‘thank you’,
‘you’re welcome’ or ‘please’.”

“Talk back to your mother!
Don’t do as you’re told!
Stick your tongue out
At your dad if he scolds!”

“Drive everyone crazy,
I really don’t care!
Act like a jerk,
Anytime, anywhere!”

“I’m changing the rules!
The BAD girls and boys
Will be, from now on,
The ones who get toys!”

“Good little kids make
Me sick, it’s no joke.
Sincerely, signed Santa.”.
..And then I awoke.

I hate being good
(or trying to fake it).
Six days until Christmas!

I don’t think I’ll make it.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

One of us cannot be wrong

I lit a thin green candle, to make you jealous of me.
But the room just filled up with mosquitoes,
they heard that my body was free.
Then I took the dust of a long sleepless night
and I put it in your little shoe.
And then I confess that I tortured the dress
that you wore for the world to look through.
I showed my heart to the doctor: he said I just have to quit.
Then he wrote himself a prescription,
and your name was mentioned in it!
Then he locked himself in a library shelf
with the details of our honeymoon,
and I hear from the nurse that he's gotten much worse
and his practice is all in a ruin.

I heard of a saint who had loved you,
so I studied all night in his school.
He taught that the duty of lovers
is to tarnish the golden rule.
And just when I was sure that his teachings were pure
he drowned himself in the pool.
His body is gone but back here on the lawn
his spirit continues to drool.

An Eskimo showed me a movie
he'd recently taken of you:
the poor man could hardly stop shivering,
his lips and his fingers were blue.
I suppose that he froze when the wind took your clothes
and I guess he just never got warm.
But you stand there so nice, in your blizzard of ice,
oh please let me come into the storm.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Reasons

Hey,
I know we haven't seen each other, or even talked, in a long time but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I want you to know that I miss you.
Not like "I regret what happened" or even "I want to see you again", just "I miss you" Period
Its strange to think someone I used to know so well is now a total stranger, that I sometimes go entire days without thinking of you even a little. Most of the times I let myself forget, because its easier. But then I find something.
An old letter, or a picture you drew, slipped in the pages of a book I haven't read in years.. and the full weight of what was lost comes crashing down on me.
But this isn't regret. We had reasons for ending it. And those reasons are as valid as ever.
But back at the start, we didn't need reasons for anything. It all just happened. We didn't have common interests or similar goals. We didn't even really get along that well. But we didn't need a reason to fall in love. We just did.
The reasons came at the end, and everything that's happened since then has been all about reasons.
And that's good. It means that one day I might find somebody I wont have to say goodbye to. But part of me just misses loving someone, and knowing they love you back, that's all.
I guess what I'm saying is, I hope things are great with you. I hope everything's good. I hope you find a love that is everything ours couldn't be. And I hope I find that too.
But a small part of me hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons.
And that you miss me. too.