Decision time..

I'm usually pretty sure of my decisions. I understand that every decision in life has its share of regrets attached to it. Every road not taken will have some sights along the way that you will miss out in life's lil' journey.

Apparently its not the same for everybody.

Also, how do you decide when to cut your losses and just get the hell out? "I cant take it anymore!" is rather subjective and momentary; how do you know for sure that its time to abandon ship?

Nuggets..

Following are little bits of verse that I've written, often while texting friends.. I wonder why it annoys them.
Sleep Deprivation's a Bitch.
Oh KM, my KM.
I've been up since six a.m.
and hours of sleep numbered five.
I'm devoid of power.
on the same page for hours
In short I am barely alive.

The words they seem blurry
and sometimes I worry
I'll gouge my eye out with this pen
If you can take a break
help me stay awake
and the Lord will repay you for ten.

Sundays are Mondays for Lovers
My rhymes start to bug,
I guess that makes sense
As is with most Sundays,
My baby is tense

My fate like most lovers'
is to pine and sigh.
Crawl under the covers
and curl up and die.

The Frog's Unrequited Love
Alas, it seems, she
can't love me in turn.
Oh how long would it be
till I finally learn.

That the fairytale princess
Does not pick the frog.
I'll grieve now, I guess,
and howl like a dog.


Wishlist..
My words they seem empty
Like some idle rhyme
She mocks my intentions
we laugh all the time

If only she'd see things
From my sad brown eyes
She'll see past the jesting
And laughter and lies

And maybe, just maybe
She might really see..
All that i am
And all we could be..

Midnight Blues..
Alas, tis' mighty woeful
My baby wont reply
I sit in wait and grow full
of Whens and Whats and Whys
Im sure she isnt heartless
Perhaps just occupied
She said we wouldnt part,Yes
Im sure she hasn't lied
I'll wait,although im weary
She'll be along anon
this night alone is scary
She'll bring with her the dawn

The Vicious Cabaret

They say that there's a broken light for every heart on Broadway.
They say that life's a game, then they take the board away.
They give you masks and costumes and an outline of the story
Then leave you all to improvise their vicious cabaret...

In no-longer-pretty cities there are fingers in kitties.
There are warrants, forms, and chitties and a jackboot on the stair.
Sex and death and human grime, in monochrome for one thin dime,
But at least the trains all run on time but they don't go anywhere.
Facing their Responsibilities either on their backs or on their knees
There are ladies who just simply freeze and dare not turn away
And the widows who refuse to cry will be dressed in garter and bow-tie
And be taught to kick their legs up high in this vicious cabaret.

At last! The 1998 Show!
The ballet on the burning stage.
The documentary seen
Upon the fractured screen
The dreadful poem scrwled upon the crumpled page...

There's a policeman with an honest soul that has seen whose head is on the pole
And he grunts and fills his briar bowl with a feeling of unease.
But he briskly frisks the torn remains for a fingerprint or crimson stains
And endevours to ignore the chins that he walks in to his knees.
while his master in the dark nearby inspects the hands, with a brutal eye,
That have never brushed a lover's thigh but have squeezed a nation's threat.
But he hungers in his secret dreams for the harsh embrace of cruel machines
But his lover is not what she seems and she will not leave a note.

At last! The 1998 Show!
The Situation Tragedy
Grand Opera slick with soap
Cliffhangers with no hope
The water-colour in the flooded gallery...

There's a girl who'll push but not shove and is desperate for her father's love
She believes the hand beneath the glove maybe one she needs to hold.
Though she doubts her hosts moralities she decides she is more at ease
In the Land Of Doing What You Please than outside in the cold.
But the backdrop's peel and the sets give way and the cast gets eaten by the play
There's a murderer at the Matinee, there are dead men in the aisles
And the patrons and actors too are uncertain if the show is through
And with side-long looks await their cue but the frozen mask just smiles.

At last! The 1998 Show!
The torch-song no one ever sings
The curfew chorus line
The comedy divine
The bulging eyes of puppets strangled by their strings

There's thrills and chills and girls galore, sing-songs and surprises
There's something hear for everyone, (reserve your seat today)
There's mischief and malarkies but no queers or yids or darkies
Within this bastard's carnival, this vicious cabaret

The Anniversarie

All kings, and all their favourites,
All glory of honours, beauties, wits,
The sun it self, which makes time, as they pass,
Is elder by a year now than it was
When thou and I first one another saw.
All other things to their destruction draw,
Only our love hath no decay ;
This no to-morrow hath, nor yesterday ;

Vanity Card

What doesn't kill us makes us bitter. I used to believe that to be both funny and true. Years later I learned that pain could also be the touchstone for personal growth, which of course points back to the original saying, "what doesn't kill us makes us better." Not funny, but perhaps closer to the truth. Or at least the truth I choose to believe in these days. So, having recently experienced a bit of pain, am I better? Well, let's review: I think I'm fairly immune to name-calling now. I'm not sure I could have made that claim a few months ago. I've also come to see that the things I used to think were big deals, are not. Problems appear to be relative. If you have a big one, it makes all the others seem almost charming in comparison. And finally, when your life takes a path you could never have foreseen, it's humbling. In a good way. It's kind of like a friendly reminder from the universe that while you may think you have the starring role in the movie of your life, you're actually just a bit player trying to grab a quesadilla off the craft services table when no one's looking.

So, to sum up: I now have a thicker skin, I'm less likely to sweat the small stuff, and, perhaps most importantly, I have a renewed sense of humility. All in all, better.

Doesn't remind me..

Have you ever lost somebody close to you? somebody who was as integral a part of your life as the very air you breathe (dramatic.. i know..). When do you miss them the most? I've realised off late that its the little things you miss.. A certain way they felt when you touched them, a particular habit that was unique to them (that drove you nuts when they were around but now makes you miss them like nothing else in the world.)..

But more than anything else, its the things you shared, a book you both loved.. a tv show.. a trip you took together.. your private little jokes.. a drink that defined some unforgettable yet insignificant moment that you spent with them, the sort of moment you can only have with people you love.

I was watching an episode of a certain TV show we both loved and spent hours discussing and deliberating over; and it ended at a bit of a cliffhanger. My immediate reaction was an immediate desire to spend an obscene amount of time picking out the significance of every scene with the person I am talking about; till it hit me that it wasn't possible anymore. And in that moment, that moment when you walk into a room expecting unconsciously to see them but you suddenly realise you never will again, you feel the void they've left behind.

There's a song by Pink Floyd called What Shall We Do Now, that appears on the album The Wall. Well, actually it appears in the movie and is featured on the album as a shorter version called Empty Spaces. Anyway, the song has the protagonist (Pink) ask the question that haunts me now.

What shall we use to fill the empty spaces where we used to talk?

 Makes you wonder if Tennyson was bullshitting when he wrote In Memoriam A.H.H.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

But then, he wrote it over 17 years. Maybe all it takes is time.

Slip to the void

Sever the ties.
Trip the wire.
Dig your hole.
Doubt is alive and you know.
You were once led to believe,
You were young and so naive
But now no longer
Well its all in the way
You turned your back today.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

Reality check..

You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? Is when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like 'Hey, I'm glad you're gone'.

Me & Bobby McGee

Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waiting for a train

And I's feeling nearly as faded as my jeans.

Bobby thumbed a diesel down just before it rained,

It rode us all the way to New Orleans.

I pulled my harpoon out of my dirty red bandanna,

I was playing soft while Bobby sang the blues.

Windshield wipers slapping time, I was holding Bobby's hand in mine,

We sang every song that driver knew.

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose,

Nothing don't mean nothing honey if it ain't free, now now.

And feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,

You know feeling good was good enough for me,

Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.

From the Kentucky coal mines to the California sun,

Hey, Bobby shared the secrets of my soul.

Through all kinds of weather, through everything we done,

Hey Bobby baby? kept me from the cold.

One day up near Salinas,I let him slip away,

He's looking for that home and I hope he finds it,

But I'd trade all of my tomorrows for just one yesterday

To be holding Bobby's body next to mine.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose,

Nothing, that's all that Bobby left me, yeah,

But feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,

Hey, feeling good was good enough for me, hmm hmm,

Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.

Cat People

See these eyes so green

I can stare for a thousand years

Colder than the moon

It's been so long

And I've been putting out fire

With gasoline

Feel my blood enraged

It's just the fear of losing you

Don't you know my name

Well, you been so long

See these eyes so red

Red like jungle burning bright

Those who feel me near

Pull the blinds and change their minds

It's been so long

Still this pulsing night

A plague I call a heartbeat

Just be still with me

Ya wouldn't believe what I've been through

You've been so long

Well it's been so long

And I've been putting out fire

with gasoline

putting out fire

with gasoline

See these tears so blue

An ageless heart

that can never mend

These tears can never dry

A judgement made

can never bend

See these eyes so green

I can stare for a thousand years

Just be still with me

You wouldn't believe what I've been through

You've been so long

Well, it's been so long

And I've been putting out fire

with gasoline

putting out fire with gasoline

#9

#9 : Cook an entire meal from scratch.

Its only fitting that this item gets struck off with me cooking my birthday dinner..
Three courses.. made absolutely from scratch.. a few burnt fingers.. but its so totally worth it.. came out rather well if i do say so myself..

#9.... DONE

First course : Corn Salad

Second course : Pasta

With fresh Garlic toast made from scratch!!

Third Course : Orange Jello with Vanilla Ice Cream

Satisfied Customers.. :)

The Critics..

#16

Sometime during the last year, in a certain conversation with one of my more socially aware friends, it came to my notice that what with crazy work hours and studying, i'd completely lost touch with the world in general.. was completely clueless about some pretty big issues.. ergo..
#16 : Read the newspaper regularly.

I'd be lying if i said I read it everyday.. but for the last 10 months or so, I've made sure i read the paper cover to cover atleast 4 days in a week..
I thnk I can safely say.. #16 is DONE!

#11

What with school uniform regulations, obsessive parents and corporate dress codes, i'd never really managed the long rock'n'roll hair I always wanted.. Well no more i say!!

With nothing but one tiny, essential trim in 8 months.. i now have AWESOME long hair.. and they're gonna stay that way DAMN IT!!

#11 is officially DONE!

#24

Thankyouthankyouthankyou Prateek Sharma!!
A very unexpected and totally awesome present!! Limited edition StarWars collection!!

#24 : Get my hands on all the Star Wars episodes.


DONE!!

#22

Thank you Aakash Sharma, for the company.. on a cool breezy sunday morning..
#22 : Pick up rock climbing again.
DONE

#10

1 part vodka
1 part Tequila
1 part Rum1 part Gin 

1 part Triple Sec
1 1/2 parts Sweet and Sour Mix
Top it off with Coke..

Mix ingredients together over ice in a glass. Pour into a shaker and give one brisk shake. Pour back into the glass and make sure there is a touch of fizz at the top. Garnish with lemon.

voila.. one of the most potent cocktails ever.. the LIIT..

oh and #10 DONE

Insomnia

I dreamed of you last night.
In another's arms..
Happy, I hope..
Couldnt see clearly,
Got something in my eye..
I dreamed of you last night.
and woke up in a familiar place
In dread and in pain..
Could not fall asleep again..
Poked a hole in my feeble attempt
To live one day at a time
Banish the thought of you
And pretend everything doesnt remind me
Of everything we had
And everything I lost
I dreamed of you last night
I know not why.
But with the scab ripped off
And the void renewed
For once i wish, I did not dream.

#17

#17 : Go to the movies alone.

It may not seem like all that big a deal.. but its something that I've been weirdly afraid to do..
Walking up to the ticketing window and asking for ONE ticket..
But with a afternoon screening of Fast Five (Brilliant movie btw.. soooo much better than the fourth and almost as good as the first and third..); consider #17 DONE!

#14

Its the only book that I started, but put down without finishing..ONLY BOOK EVER in 20 years of reading atleast a book every week..
After a grueling 5 hour session, Gone With the Wind is finally off my reading list.. FOREVER..
#14 is officially DONE!

#5

Four years of corporate slavery had left me in the worst shape of my life.. Im not the sort who pays too much attention to appearance.. but when a few flights of stairs left me out of breath, i know it was time to do something about it..
#5 : Get myself back in good enough shape to run 10 kms..
The operative word being run.. not walk.. not jog.. run..
and as of this morning's 10.2 km reading on the treadmill.. consider it DONE!

#23

I read.. a lot.. but I have a tendency to pick up one author and read the crap out of them.. like read everything they've written, several times over.. as a consequence of this little habit, my knowledge of literature, although deep, is very specific..
Ergo... #23 : Read three new authors.. authors who I would not pick up normally while browsing through a book store.. A big thank you to Naps.. she recommended two of these books.. (and is almost as excited about The List as I am.. )

• Tom Holt - Flying Dutch
• Jodi Picoult - My Sister's Keeper
• Kiran Desai - Hullabloo in the Guava Orchard

#3

5 days.. 1200 kms.. three states..
Cricket matches.. hidden mountain pools.. poker games.. philosophical discussions.. german-polish women.. banana pancakes with maple syrup.. and some new friends.. all in all an awesome roadtrip..
#3 done..

#1

Having acquired the rather hard to find "William Tell told Again", I've finally finished a collection that started over a decade ago.. my tribute to the master.. dear old Plum..

Oh.. and #1 DONE!

#25

I've been on a bit of a self imposed lockdown for the last two months.. Exams and what not.. but im finally free.. and determined to check off the remaining items on my little list.. starting with.....
#25 Quit my job and take a year off.. I've now been unemployed for two and a half months.. my savings are down to virtually nothing but im happier than i've been in the last 4 years where those slave drivers used to make every day of my life a living hell.. check one more off the list.. :)

That old familiar sting..

Now that most of the furniture from my room's moved to my new place, i've been studying in my Grandmother's room.. Well.. My grandmother's old room.. Its been more than a year and i still half expect to look up and see her sitting in her chair, rummaging through a drawer full of assorted medicines.. Or reading a book, humming softly to herself.. Or watching a saas bahu soap on tv and getting so totally involved that she starts calling the vamp names..
The soft wrinkled skin on the back of her hands.. The peaceful smile that lingered on her face even as we carried her the final time..
I miss her.. I miss her kind eyes.. And her eternal mothering attitude.. And how she always had my back in little spats i had with the rest of the family..
I remember this one time in college when my father was after my case to get a haircut.. My floppy long hair had been a source of argument for days.. After a particularly loud yelling match with dad, i stormed into her room rather upset.. She barely asked me what was wrong before i was pouring out my strong sense of injustice at my dad's prejudice to my awesomely cool long hair.. i remember her smiling and without a word rummaging through her cupboard for a while to find an old fading picture of my dad's graduation day.. With him sporting the very fashionable long floppy 70's style haircut.. :) she told me with a little chuckle to show him the picture next time he says anything..
I miss you Amma.. I miss your stories and your laugh.. And your little sarcastic jokes about baywatch.. I miss your strength and your uncanny ability to make me believe in myself.. Thank you for always loving me more than i could even comprehend.. You will always be in my heart..

Hallelujah..

I did my best, It wasnt much
I couldnt feel so I tried to touch
I told the truth, didnt come all this way just to fool ya..
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the lord of song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah..

All the best, i hope you find what you're looking for...

#21

Thank You MS, NR and SA.. with a very out of tune Rockstar, #21... DONE

Rockstar - Nickelback

I'm through with standin' in lines to clubs I'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth and I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be
(Tell me what you want)

I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub
Big enough for ten plus me
(Yeah, so what you need?)

I need a a credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club
At thirty-seven thousand feet
(Been there, done that)

I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
My own star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher
And James Dean is fine for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life
For fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair
And change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat

And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair

And well, hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
(I'll have the quesadilla, ha, ha)

I'm gonna dress my ass with the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves
To blow my money for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life
For fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair
And change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat

And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair

And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary of today's who's who
They'll get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial

Well, hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

I'm gonna sing those songs that offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills from a Pez dispenser
Get washed-up singers writin' all my songs
Lipsynk 'em every night so I don't get 'em wrong

Well, we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat

And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair

And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary of today's who's who
They'll get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial

Well, hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

#4

Date : 19 January 2011
Time : 0130 hours
Location : ITO

A young Air Force Corporal is involved in a nasty motorcycle accident. Damage; a shattered knee.
One makeshift knee brace (tree branches, firewood, a handkerchief and some rope).
One slow drive to the nearest MH.
#4.. Done..

Bottleneck Blues

The morning sun rises, and sets in turn

While the smoke rings still spiral and the paper still burns

I’m dreaming a while of when the levee broke

And scrounging a bottle, a guitar, a smoke

Watered down whiskey is like fading desire

I’d say I’m okay, but it’ll make me a liar

We’ve been screaming for years, been a while since we spoke

I’ll lean on a bottle, a guitar, a smoke

I’m strung up and crazy and speaking in tongues

And childish and stuck up and forever young

And doped up and washed up and worthless and broke

Sold it all for a bottle, a guitar, a smoke

I sing myself hoarse just to drown out the sound

Oh please don’t come looking, I won’t be around

I’ll seamlessly blend in with those gentle folk

Who live on a bottle, a guitar, a smoke

I’m thumbing my way to the next nameless town

To the next faceless lady who won’t turn me down

Our hands intertwined, the fires we’ll stoke

Then cry, sharing a bottle, a guitar, a smoke

I live life in tatters, I’m dressed up in rags

Keep singing my anthems and waving my flags

While I keep reliving the same sorry joke

‘bout the man with a bottle, a guitar, a smoke.

Do not go gentle into that good night..

Two very different pieces of verse.. one very common theme..

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rage at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dare you to move..

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence

Everyone's here

Everyone's here

Everybody's watching you now

Everybody waits for you now

What happens next?

What happens next?

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened

Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout

Welcome to resistance

The tension is here

The tension is here

Between who you are and who you could be

Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened

Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell

Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Where you gonna go?

Where you gonna go?

Salvation is here

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to lift yourself, to lift yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened

Today never happened

Today never happened

Today never happened before