I completely broke down last night.. It wasn't anything monumental that set me off.. Just a picture in a frame.. I'd kept it away, found it while rummaging through my cupboard for my "makes me look like a retard" monkey cap..
I was sifting through a rather full drawer and i cut my fingure on something sharp.. i pulled out the offending object to find the picture.. the frame had bits of glass stuck on it..
I just broke down..
It was wierd.. I cant cry easy, wish I could.. I get this knot inside me and i keep feeling like im gonna throw up... which is usually followed by a severely claustrophobic feeling, where my clothes, the room, everything seems to be strangling me..
This is also about the time when reason leaves me and I do "It seemed like a good idea at the time" things..
something different happened yesterday though.. after putting the "Good Ideas" into action, actually, during it, I broke into this almost violent bawling (yup, bawling seems appropriate) fit.. And i couldnt stop.. I mean waterworks galore...
And then somebody came to my rescue.. somebody who herself is rather fragile and scarred at the moment.. somebody who I've nursed through irrational fits of her own.. But she, with her infinite wisdom, did not get me to stop crying, which is what I always tried to do for her.. She instead just kept quiet and listened till I was done screaming and crying and complaining and then proceeded to tell me that all my worst fears are probably true..
"I don't think she's coming back"
"Yes you did bring it on yourself"
"Ofcourse you're being selfish by not giving her space"
"Duhh! Ofcourse it hurts.. It will probably be months, years before it stops.. if at all"
All of this while washing a shirt for work today and for a few gross minutes, brushing her teeth..
And wierdly enough it calmed me down.. Not the sort of calm that came with locking stuff inside and not thinking about it.. but the sort of calm that comes with accepting a bad situation, shrugging and carrying on, swearing a little ofcourse.. The sort of calm I had only felt once before, when my folks hugged me inspite of me having screwed up really really bad..
I slept better than I have in weeks..
I woke up today.. stretched a little.. let myself feel the cold morning air as I stepped into my backyard.. embracing everything I had and lost, everything that remains.. and with one grand gesture of throwing the pieces of the Cat's Eye as far as I could,
I let her go..