Live Forever..

A coupla days ago I was sitting in CCD.. gossiping about people from work with a colleague.. the customary Tropical Iceberg (no chocolate sauce.. no whipped cream) at my side..
I was beginning to feel rather nostalgic and it did seem like the ideal day for coincidences.. and the radio was playing "Dont look back in anger".. So i wasnt very surprised when in walked a gaggle of giggley DhikChik Girls. They were, no doubt for some very good reason which unfortunately illudes my trivial intelligence, wearing rather large sunglasses at seven in the evening, indoors no less..
Thinking it was probably Conjunctivitis, I though it prudent and polite not to stare.. Until that is, the familiar and oft heard sound of a high pitch cackle that always makes me say "I dont think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto", sent me spiralling down a nostalgic rabbit hole..
I though of the days long gone.. where many an hour was spent with coffee and conversation and cackles that would put them sunglasses weilding women to shame.. My thoughts dwelled on my now estranged partner in crime, with her soap opera existance and the resulting infinite wisdom.. I remembered maniacal car rides for bootleg liquor and crazier midnight bike rides with screams galore.. I remembered Virgina Slims and Wibbling Rivalry.. I remember laughter and tears and phonebills and fuming parents.. I remember fistfights at birthday parties (im soooo sorry) and obsessing about the twins.. Life was always an adventure with you around..
But tales of Cows and Uncle Monkeys do not last forever..
I hope you continue to wreck havoc on unsuspecting mortals wherever you go.. and i hope its always about the myooooosic..

Maybe you're the same as me.

We see things they'll never see

You and I are gonna live forever..

All the best..

Gets me through..

"Why do you keep calling me?" I kept trying to figure out the answer to that one all day today... and as always the Gods of Rock'n'roll came to my aid... from an unlikely source though.. So in the words of the immortal Ironman..

I'm not the kind of person you think I am
I'm not the anti-christ or the iron man
I have a vision that I just can't control
I feel I've lost my spirit and sold my soul
Got no control
I try to entertain you the best I can
I wish I'd started walking before I ran
But I still love the feeling I get from you
I hope you'll never stop cause it gets me through yeah
It gets me through yeah

The feelings that I hide behind
Sometimes reality's unkind
The nightmares stalk for me at night
I dread the long and lonely nights

I'm just trying to live yeah

Sad but true..

Amoris vulnus idem sanat, qui facit
The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them

Insomnia..

I dreamed of you last night..
of accidents accepted and cherished..
of burning questions,
that ceased to matter..
of memories and moments..
of all the nothings that remind us
of the love that cannot fade away..

I dreamed of you last night..
it was different this time..
every word was real..
every laugh a treasure..
as we embraced that which once was..
that which will always remain..
Leaving no room for regret..
well maybe a little..
The best laid plans of mice and men
often go awry..
atleast we had our goodbye..

Closure..

I completely broke down last night.. It wasn't anything monumental that set me off.. Just a picture in a frame.. I'd kept it away, found it while rummaging through my cupboard for my "makes me look like a retard" monkey cap..
I was sifting through a rather full drawer and i cut my fingure on something sharp.. i pulled out the offending object to find the picture.. the frame had bits of glass stuck on it..
I just broke down..
It was wierd.. I cant cry easy, wish I could.. I get this knot inside me and i keep feeling like im gonna throw up... which is usually followed by a severely claustrophobic feeling, where my clothes, the room, everything seems to be strangling me..
This is also about the time when reason leaves me and I do "It seemed like a good idea at the time" things..
something different happened yesterday though.. after putting the "Good Ideas" into action, actually, during it, I broke into this almost violent bawling (yup, bawling seems appropriate) fit.. And i couldnt stop.. I mean waterworks galore...
And then somebody came to my rescue.. somebody who herself is rather fragile and scarred at the moment.. somebody who I've nursed through irrational fits of her own.. But she, with her infinite wisdom, did not get me to stop crying, which is what I always tried to do for her.. She instead just kept quiet and listened till I was done screaming and crying and complaining and then proceeded to tell me that all my worst fears are probably true..
"I don't think she's coming back"
"Yes you did bring it on yourself"
"Ofcourse you're being selfish by not giving her space"
"Duhh! Ofcourse it hurts.. It will probably be months, years before it stops.. if at all"
All of this while washing a shirt for work today and for a few gross minutes, brushing her teeth..
And wierdly enough it calmed me down.. Not the sort of calm that came with locking stuff inside and not thinking about it.. but the sort of calm that comes with accepting a bad situation, shrugging and carrying on, swearing a little ofcourse.. The sort of calm I had only felt once before, when my folks hugged me inspite of me having screwed up really really bad..
I slept better than I have in weeks..
I woke up today.. stretched a little.. let myself feel the cold morning air as I stepped into my backyard.. embracing everything I had and lost, everything that remains.. and with one grand gesture of throwing the pieces of the Cat's Eye as far as I could,

I let her go..

Stagnation..

The sun still climbs.
The day still starts.
The sky still runs through shades of blue.
The waves still break.
The tides still part.
The sands still take a vacant hue.

The rain still falls
from clouds of grey.
The water still is icy cold.
The birds still call.
Of times they say.
The world still seems to grow old.

The cuts still bleed.
The blood's still red.
The life still slowly drains away.
The pain's still fresh
from broken words
of a greater good, a better day.

Yes, she still smiles
the way she did.
Yes, she still gently braids her hair.
The world still feels
the same but I,
Its just that I no longer care..

Dusk..

When the tide climbs high,
and the pier disappears.
Muffles up the silent cries.
Washes away the stagnant fears.

Under the greying skies
shadows criss cross in haze.
Time starts bending momentarily,
in strange and unnatural ways.

Twilight is upon us;
coulurs fade away.
The disparities of the world
are engulfed by a uniform grey.

Darkness splatters and gurgles
like thikish black tar.
While sounds of guns and war cries
still come up from afar.

Waging a lost battle,
a solitary lamp does stand.
Flickering, fading, fighting on
in need of a covering hand.

The sun is set. The day is done.
The night is here to stay.
Into this starless, inky sky
we all will fade away..