Trapped..

I wake up in a familiar place. Raise my head and look around. The curtains, the furniture reminds me of some place I once knew. Familiar. I lie back down. Awake but motionless, staring up at the ceiling, trying to recall where I am, what I’m doing here.
What time is it? It’s too dark for me to make out the hands of the small clock across the room. Come to think of it, I don’t even remember what day it is.
I sit up slowly and reach instinctively for the light switch that I know is on the wall beside my bed. Just within arms reach. Damn, no power. No wonder it’s so hot.
I can see outlines of stacks of books on the table against the opposite wall. Sheets of paper scattered everywhere. God, my throat’s parched. I reach for the bottle of water on the small bedside table, accidentally knocking over the glass beside it. I brace for the shattering sound that never comes. There was a rug under there, now that I think about it. The water is warm, tastes stale, but I’m too thirsty to care.
I try to get up. My legs are stiff and creaky, they tremble and my knees give a little as they get used to my weight. How long was I out? I walk to the table and pick up the clock. Stopped. Walk to the door and try the handle. Locked. Typical. Parting the curtains reveals a barred window, with glass just beyond the bars. I have a vague memory of looking out at the woods through this window. But all I can see now is a high brick wall a few feet from the window, and a small patch of sky above the wall.
It feels like some place I know. Feels like home, but not quite. Like those concrete and plaster caves and artificial moats they build in zoos. Familiar, somewhat comforting, but incontrovertibly a prison.
Somehow, the panic I would associate with the realization of being imprisoned just doesn’t set in. It’s like I’ve always been aware of it. Some part of me seems to have accepted the status quo to be an unalterable fact. Like somebody sat down and explained just why me being locked up is the best thing to be, I’ve just forgotten the arguments at the moment.
How long have I been here?
How many times have I woken up like this?
Alone in this familiar prison.
Trapped.
I hear a click. It rings, loud as a gunshot in the stillness of the room. Is that the door? Is somebody out there? I rush to the door but it seems to go further away. It was five steps! always five steps, I counted!
I run towards the door that opens a crack now. I can see the light streaming in. Almost there, just a little further. I reach out for the handle, my fingers can almost touch the cool steel when i get yanked back by my ankles falling hard on the stone floor. My head hits something smooth and cold, my eyes close momentarily.

I wake up in a familiar place.

This looks like a job for...

I've been reading a lot of C&H again.. been a while though.. and i'd forgotten just how good waterson was.. this is one of the more thought provoking ones..

On the First day of Christmas...

Private little joke.. for those who dont get it, go listen to 'The 12 Days of Christmas'..

Smashed..

Darling, you left my heart
In pieces on the floor
So tell me why shouldn't I
Break some things of yours?

I'll smash your lamp, the antique chair,
That stupid thing you always wear;
I'll smash a vase, the radio,
Those little teacups from Limoge;

Your wacky paintings on the walls;
Darling - POW - I'll smash 'em all;
Lover, it's just a game;
Cupid can take the blame;
I'll take the place apart,
But don't worry - I won't smash your heart!

Closure..

She closed the door.
What? Again? What did you do this time?
I don't know.
You can't help yourself can you? Always fucking things up?
She promised she won't leave if I didn't give her a reason to go.
And I'm sure, like always, you gave her plenty.
I dont know. I tried not to.
Stupid fucking prick. You deserve this.
I do?
Ofcourse. Fuckpig.
I do. Now what?
Is that even a question?
You mean..
Exactly.
I suppose. Goodbye then.

I wonder..

I surprise myself sometimes.. do things i never though i was capable of.. in a good way ofcourse..
I feel calmer.. and im done setting standards.. gonna go with my gut now.. feels right that way..
Things have never been so swell, I have never felt so well.. In a good way ofcourse..

Something Stupid..

"I love you" he replied, almost mecahnically.
It was a game they played. Like a volley. He did not know if he meant it, not even what it meant.
Sure he cared about her. And desired her. And loved to be with her. And got a nasty little twinge when she paid more attention to others. But did he love her? In the all consuming way that one reads so often about? He did not know. And I guess he did not care.
He had her. Mind and body. She was meant to be his own. Always there beside him. An extention of his self. He posessed her, or so he thought until he pushed her too far.
It was hell. How could she leave? That wasn't how things were supposed to be. He was hurt, lonely, afraid, indignant.. ashamed at his deed and his weakness. Why did it hurt so much? Was it because he loved her? He did not know. But this time around, he did care.
One fateful night of revelry. He had her again, mind and body. But it wasn't enough. Something did not feel the way it used to. Is that what he missed, that undefinable something that he could feel but never express? Was that love?
"Must be" he said to himself.
"I love you" he replied, almost mechanically.
This time around though, he knew he meant it. He always had.

Something Stupid - Frank Sinatra
I know I stand in line, until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
And if we go someplace to dance, I know that theres a chance
You wont be leaving with me

And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
And have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
Like: I love you

I can see it in your eyes, that you despise the same old lies
You heard the night before
And though its just a line to you, for me its true
It never seemed so right before

I practice every day to find some clever lines to say
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late
And Im alone with you

The time is right your perfume fills my head, the stars get red
And oh the nights so blue
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
Like: I love you